When the Loneliness gets to you
I am very much having all these thoughts and feelings right now. I really wish I had paid better attention to and heeded my own warning about allowing people into my life.
I already kept people at arms length and hadn’t allowed anyone in my life intimately in five years. I thought my husband was sincere when we met. To find out I was nothing more than anyone else he was trying to get to marry him to keep him in the country feels like a level of betrayal I don’t know how to describe.
I know we do and say things in the heat of the moment, “Dino Brain” as the Imago Therapist called it. I get that and I can understand that. But to plan and scheme ahead of time. To be so malicious
and try to use this against me and tell others about Hunter
To keep coming for me.
-Originally Blogged on January 23, 2016
I’m used to being alone. Even when I have others physically near me, I am usually alone. I can’t remember the last time I was able to let someone into all facets of my life and with each passing day, month and year I become less and less hopeful that will ever happen. I’ve become really good at keeping people at arm’s length. It’s one disappointment after another and that’s when I am reminded of how lonely I really am.
Life is hard. Some days are harder than others and I keep trying to leave people better than I found them. It’s not always possible, but I am trying.
I sit here crying, alone and this is where I turn. Because I am expecting a virtual hug at best when I am finished.
I tell myself it’s okay if someone else hurts my feelings, I will always reach out or attempt to make the extra effort. I don’t ever want to regret how I left a relationship. I would rather make sure I did what I could.
As I keep trying to date, I know I push people away. I am afraid they will leave, they will hurt me and I just don’t have it. I couldn’t take that kind of emotional blow in my life.
I have gotten better at not allowing myself to be taken advantage of though and set better standards for how I allow people to treat me. There comes a place in the middle where with some men I can’t tell if I am pushing them away too quickly or I am practicing better standards for how I am treated. At times I know it lies somewhere on the middle. I have little hope to find someone to walk this journey with me.
I am puffy faced with a pile of tissues beside me. I cannot breathe out of my nose. My cheeks and eyes are swollen and it almost looks like I’ve been slapped around. An emotional beat down.
just came on my playlist. The tears started again. I know self forgiveness is the toughest of all. Because even as I type this words pop into my head all the time like penance, paying my dues, lifelong sentence, this is what I deserve
Now I can tell anyone else besides myself
that is not true
and have compassion for them. But I don’t feel that for myself. I have given myself a life sentence of guilt and grief
that comes in waves. On nights like this, it feels overwhelming, as though the weight of a thousand grieving mothers sits upon my heart.
You are good, you do deserve love, you do deserve people in your life who love and care for the whole you. All of you; your past, present and future. I am going to say this to myself and I encourage any of you who need to say this to yourself to say it as well. Because it is true and I promise it will feel like it eventually, even if it doesn’t in this precise moment. In this dark silence of the night.
~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~